I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
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Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Body by sandwich.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks