[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I support this random dude and all his protests
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.