I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
You Might Also Like
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*