Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.