I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
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Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on