*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on