Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?