My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
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Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.