Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
6. me as a lawyer
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.