You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
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So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
this came to me in a vision
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
never compromise your values
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.