“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.