Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
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My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.