Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.