when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
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Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.