#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
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shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
They’re called werewolves.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.