My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes: