Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.