This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
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When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me