I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
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So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!