The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
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How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
All set.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I’m listening
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.