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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.