Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
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Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.