The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”