Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen