Seek kebab; not attention
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Flowers bee like
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Snapes on a plane.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect