I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice