Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does