squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
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what?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
this was the best i’ve ever seen
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I’m not proud
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Go hard or stay average
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.