My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
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An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.