My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
You Might Also Like
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
That’s not how days work.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.