Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
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Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
🤣🤣
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.