Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
You Might Also Like
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.