@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
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*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
first you must answer his riddles
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.