She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
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It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does