“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
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me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today