A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
oppen heimer style lol
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
time machine? you mean a clock?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*