Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
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Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Beware…..
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My hips? Compulsive liars.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.