Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Buying a well is money well spent.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere