Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Most people鈥檚 biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program鈥nd won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can鈥檛 make this shit up.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
No YOU鈥橰E not worded correctly.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 馃槒馃槒馃槒
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She鈥檇 been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn鈥檛 know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]