rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
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WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
🤣✨#caturday
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!