Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
everyone’s a critic
In space, no one can hear…
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Moms. The original autocorrect.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.