friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.