It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
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[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Fluff me with a fork baby
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.