“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing