No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
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i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I needed a laugh this morning.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.