two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?