Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
i think my razor is having a panic attack
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo