My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
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I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.