Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
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hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.