I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The first one, obviously
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.